“I don’t know why I bother cooking for him, he usually just eats his brains raw,” Hellion muttered to herself. “Or on the run.” But it was her third wedding anniversary with Olympian and she wanted to make something special. As she began to stir the pot, Hellion double checked the list of ingredients for Insane Level Chili.
Nine pounds of fresh human brains
Now what was the conversion rate? Hellion tried to recollect. An adult human brain weighs three pounds, so that would mean three Survivor-brand brains. She had just enough. Sharing would be hard, but love will do that to a girl. This sounded like a lot of brains, but she knew they would cook down quite a bit as she made the chili.
Ten pounds of zombeans, soaked overnight in a vat of widows’ tears
The zombeans were easy. Those could be found at any grocery store. The widows’ tears were harder to get, but it is amazing what can be ordered these days at Amazombie.com. And fortunately Hellion had remembered to soak the zombeans the night before. She had been planning on this special day for a long time.
Eight pounds of chopped onions
Oh how chopping onions made Hellion cry. And she had been crying a lot lately. Not so much over the onions as over Olympian, whom she feared had a Mistress. Hellion had tried several times recently to light a fire under their relationship, but Olympian always seemed so distant from her.
Seven pounds of diced tomatoes
Or “love apples” as they were once called. And did Hellion ever love Olympian, despite their recent troubles. Hellion always felt a bit insecure in the relationship, as she was marrying up a class, so to speak. But, she tried to assure herself, it is my tentacles he always returns home to.
One pound of assorted herbs and spices
Yes, this would make quite a bit of chili, but zombies have quite the appetite. Raiding ain’t easy. Not to mention that zombies tend to be big on leftovers.
One 4oz bottle of Survivor-Ghost Pepper Sauce
“Ghost” Hellion smirked to herself. Was that a description of the sauce or her marriage. No mind, Hellion liked her chili hot.
And the secret ingredient – a twist of lemming
No, not lemon. Lemming! Worthless suicidal rodents.
Stir over constant heat for an hour
Hellion had a five second cooldown, so constant heat would be a bit of a problem. But Hellion would do her best. Just like she had done her best the entire relationship. As the disparate ingredients of the chili blended together, so makes a marriage. One part love, one part patience, one part the shared joy in disemboweling Survivors. Things would work out. With a swig of Stim-Z they always did. And who knows, Hellion mused, maybe by next anniversary I will have an undead bun in my oven.